“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself” Quote by Friedrich Nietzsche

You know it is really time for me to blog again, the winter has passed and I feel the warmth of the spring days, the budding plants and trees and the beauty of nature

This is probably the most unusual blog in the history of blogging. It is serves my stated purpose, pays tribute to a man whom I admire and promotes awareness and insight as to the nature of major depression

For those of you who are depressed, please read no further as I would hate to be responsible for a depressed person jumping from a high building; for those of you who have had the fortune never to have suffered from depression please read this entire blog to give you an insight of the pain of major clinical depression and for those of you who have a family member or friend who suffers from depression please read the entire blog to give you a better insight and the ability to understand and empathise

What follows is the testimony of Rod Steiger, that well know and famous actor, it is vivid, eloquent and compelling and a testomony to his 8 year struggle with depression, his courage and victory over mental illness

An extract of this testimony was aired on CNN and it is noteworthy that this documentary caused CNN to receive 100 calls per hour and doing the arithmetic that is a call every 36 seconds!!!!

STATEMENT OF ROD STEIGER AT A CONGRESSIONAL SUB-COMMITTEE HEARING

“Thank you Gentlemen I am here to try to take you on a little trip through an experience, and I hope you will indulge me. I am very flattered to be here, and I will begin.

I want to die. I don’t want to move. I have no feeling for movement. To be left alone. To disappear, not to be bothered with washing, shaving, talking, walking or going to the bathroom. Just to get out of this tunnel and the heavy darkness, the cold, the oily, the constantly pressing against my ;brain, and feeling the way that this scum, grease, tallow, pushes against my sides, crushing you . You, dead-eyed, gray-faced, unshaven, dirty of body, and empty of mind.

Acting-oh, what is so important about acting? The paralyzing fear of not remembering a line, projections, images, visions of failure. They are watching. They are watching. I can feel them on my body. I can feel their eyes all over my skin. And it is time to act. And the crew is watching. Thirty of them are watching. The director is watching. My partner in the scene is watching. A rat in the corner of the studio is watching. And I will not be able to do it. I will not be able to remember. And they are going to discover that I am inadequate, I am unable. I must not scream. I must not scream in front of them. I must stay. I must not; I must not listen to my mind. I must not; I must not run off the set. I must not run. I must not run.

I know I’ll break down. I’ll break down, and they’ll find out I am weak, and they will find out I am in pain. Oh God. What God? I will break down. I’ll look like a fool, an idiot, and they’ll find out I can’t act. I can’t act. I can’t act at all.

End of vision – but there is a way out. My mind is telling me there is a way out. You get a gun, a nice, cool gun. And then – wait, now – you mustn’t make a mess. I’m worried. I’m worried about the mess – the head half gone, the blood on the walls, the carpet, the flower, all over the cat – and I don’t want my loved ones to walk in on that.

But there is a way. There is a way. I live by the beach. And they are waiting, the waves, ever moving, relentless motion. I’ll get a small rowboat while my wife is in town doing business, and my daughter is in Europe, so she won’t know until later. I’ll row out on the ocean. I’ll lower myself over the side of the boat, holding tightly with my right hand to the boat, keeping my head and shoulders above the water, holding with my left hand, the gun, pointing toward God’s sky. And then I will lower the gun, I’ll take the barrel in my mouth and pull the trigger, and then, I rest. I rest. The boat floats away. My body floats away from it. There is no mess, no mess, just fish food. It’s strange – I am more worried about the mess than my life.

I rest. I rest. Oh, yes, there is a way, there is a way. My wife, Paula – oh, God, my poor wife, Paula – who, through 8 years of my twisting, freezing fog, heroically kept my head above the waters of insanity; tending me like a crippled child, never criticizing, never, never, never in frustration raising her voice, shouting or screaming with fury that comes with the fear of the unknown. Never has she tearfully begged or demanded her release or relief, saying, “How can you sit there like that?. What’s wrong with you? What kind of a man are you? How can you let yourself look like that?” Never. Always, with the never-ending stretching of patience, kindness, motherhood and maternity, she more than gently took care of me. Never, never, never reminded me of my illness, my chemical imbalance – chemical imbalance – isn’t that the phrase that the doctors use? And that, Paula, that love, that patience, that preserving shield kept me from suicide one more time.

I sit in the squalor of myself. Movement is my enemy. I sit, staring at the sea, the sun. I sit, numb, drowning in self-pity. And maybe – maybe – I’ll die. Oh, what if I die? Please, above all, let me not linger. Let it not be a long stretch of dying. Let me not linger. Let me, in the depth of my depressive state, never ending, let me in that darkness depart. Let me die simply. Not wake up. That’s exciting. That’s a goal. That would be an accomplishment.

Once again I feel the cold sheets of fear moving over my body. If I don’t move, if I don’t breathe, maybe they’ll absorb me in a never-ending sleep, and I’ll rest. I’ll rest.

I am here, gentlemen, to ask for help – help in the form of funds for research and education; funds to keep the fighters, such as Dr.Goodwin and the National Institutes of Health, to give them more strength so that, through their science and intelligence, they can improve the lives of millions and destroy the stigma.

I will not have a human being condemned because of pain which is part of a God-given life. Unfortunately, everyone of us in this world has to suffer at some time or another. I will not have them condemned as insane. I want to destroy that stigma, and I want it so that to suffer disease and bear its pain does not mean in any way; you are insane. I hope for more funds. I hope most of all for somehow in the educational system for some way to educate people as to what mental illness can be, and that these things can be cured. I thank you.

I am very honoured to be here, and I thank you for your indulgence.”

(Congressional sub-committee hearing on “promise of mental health research” held on 15 September 1992 to examine the potential of mental health research to improve understanding of mental illness and to promote the development of more effective treatments – Library of Congress reference: Labor and Human Resources S541-15 p. 5-27, 38-57)

Repeated at a hearing on 29 May 1996 S181-16.6 p. 152-168

Interesting to note is part of the comment of Senator Specter: “I take it that your testimony is straight from the heart, and you were speaking about about a personal experience and about personal feelings. You are an extraordinary actor, but that seemed to go beyond acting”

My reading of that statement seems to imply that Senator Specter questions the veracity of the statement of Rod Steiger and then answers his own question, such is the compelling nature of the testimony and the impact and emotion it elicits

I have a favour to ask, I have been attempting to obtain a copy of the CNN documentary but have not been able to contact the correct source at CNN. Any assistance would be appreciated. I wish to use the documentary to promote the awareness and understanding of mental illness in South Africa