“Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious” Quote by Brendan Gill

This blog is my humble attempt to eliminate discrimination against those who experience mental illness and promote public awareness of the plight of those afflicted. It is dedicated to my son, daughter and granddaughter, my parents, my ex-wife and her partner, my two friends, yes I have only two friends, the competent professionals who have treated me, the people who have shown kindness and understanding and to those who suffer pain, discrimination and cruelty

I do not seek sympathy but rather attempt to present as objectively as possible a factual account of my life and my experience with mental illness, the devastating and debilitating effect on my ability to function and the pain that I have inflicted on those I love and have loved. Of course there is something in this for me, it is my need to express myself and describe the lessons I have learned as well as pontificate on my values and philosophy. I will be sixty two this year and am South African

Yes, I have Bipolar Disorder which is a chronic illness and hell I don’t want this to sound like the famous introduction to an AA meeting. I was diagnosed on 22^nd August 1992 with Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. The diagnosis was subsequently changed to Bipolar 1. When was the onset of this debilitating and mystifying illness? I do not really know but with the benefit of hindsight it must have been in my late teens or early twenties

The elder of two male siblings, I had a fairly usual childhood except I was shy and introverted. My parents were loving but it was conditional love, do as we want and then we love you, be an individual and you are an indolent idiot, their friends and interests were paramount, more important than my needs. I have no anger or resentment and know they meant and wanted the best for me and in their psychological unaware manner they do love me. I had an amazing curiosity and showed an interest in the sciences and maths and my real passion was psychology, by the age of twelve I had read most of Freud’s writing, now of course so outdated. I mean how is it possible for a cigar to represent a phallus, no sorry Freud not relevant in today’s open and free society. My excessive curiosity caused me to be a prolific reader developing an extensive vocabulary and a good general knowledge

At the age of ten I had my first encounter with a psychologist. When disembarking from the school bus I developed this compulsion to place my foot under the wheel of the bus thereby crushing my foot. It was so disturbing I very shyly and ashamedly told my mother. Hence my visit to the psychologist, he did some tests one of which was an IQ and remarked “you are very smart, not mentally gifted but very smart” I thought he was crazy how could stupid me be smart!!!!!!!! Well I liked him as it felt so good to be told that stupid me could be smart and he very comprehensively explained to me the cause of my compulsion. The result, well I no longer had problems with the wheels of the bus

As for school, well that was school, it hampered my more important interests like sport and reading and my experiments with science, electronics and hypnosis, yes, I used to hypnotise my younger brother and hell that was such fun, if I told him it was cold he would shiver and if it was hot he would perspire and many other fun things, it was terrific, what a great life I had. Anyway I completed school by the age of seventeen, my grades a mediocre average, hell that psychologist was so wrong, I am not smart

At seventeen and a half I was conscripted and served in the infantry for nine months. Now please believe me the military is really different and soooo way out. It is very similar to the movies but to play the part of a rookie soldier at the mercy of a hardened instructor is absolute torture. There is the screaming, shouting, abuse, push ups, running, crawling, punishment, group punishment and of course the dreaded obstacle course. The first six weeks where ever you move you must run and of course you must salute commissioned officers but dare you salute a non-commissioned officer that is a fate worse than death. Now for a rookie it is very difficult to distinguish between a commissioned and non-commissioned officer. Yes, there is a plan, salute everybody, no that’s not the answer. Hang on a second, there is another plan; salute nobody, no that’s not the answer.

Now I am sure you are curious as to my rambling about this, well to explain, it is to illustrate that in the military whatever one does is wrong and is a punishable offence eliciting exacting physical punishment such as the obstacle course, push ups for extended periods, marching for hours and much else too numerous to mention

Now to the point I am trying to make. For the military to be effective every soldier must obey without question and comrades in arms must trust each other as well as act as a cohesive unit.

Examine the psychological dynamics used by the military and for the sake of simplicity I examine the component parts all applied simultaneously:

 

The extended periods of marching in column of three, left turn, right turn, about turn, halt, quick march, punish if not performed correctly, not precise, not fast enough. This is nothing more than operant conditioning; Pavlov would smile posthumously and say you see I was correct, military has achieved objective “obey without question”

 

Conscripts are drawn from diverse backgrounds, cultures, education levels and are individuals, military requires a cohesive group, so military breaks down individuality, punish for no valid reason, treat conscript unfairly, give conscripts a common anger and hatred, yes, the instructor is hated. Now what do we have, a group of rookies from diverse backgrounds with one common thread so powerful transcending all other differences , anger, outrage and hatred for instructor, result conscripts bond and become a cohesive unit. Military objective no two achieved, “cohesive and bonded group of soldiers”.

 

But wait, military afraid, what have we created, what if our unified creation in anger turns on instructor, we have a monster, military very afraid, military must outflank and outwit cohesive group of soldiers, comrades with such a common bond, military cannot have a mutiny

 

Yes, military have the answer; it is so diabolically simple, force this group of soldiers to be self controlling and censoring. Use group punishment. For those of you who do not know this concept, this is how it works: if one soldier steps out of line or errs punish his whole unit, yes, punish all for the error of one. That poor erring soldier will be bullied and beaten by members of his unit, he will endure such wrath from his comrades that never again will he step out of line. “There will never be a mutiny”

 

Military, you have won, objective achieved, hill captured, battle won

 

All the above I realised after my first month of military service, maybe that psychologist I saw when I was ten was correct, maybe I am smart, but no that cannot be, I am mentally ill, it had not manifested but was lurking for a time to strike

 

For the soldier, he is filled with pride in himself and his uniform, his country and flag, he walks tall; he has endured much and won, he serves his country or so he is told, what an honour??

 

On the 31^st December 1964 I completed my compulsory military service and despite my cynicism I was “brave and strong and true”

 

To end this post allow me to pontificate, from Secretaries and Ministers of defence to the lowest ranking instructor, we forgive you, and you know not what you do. You create efficient killing machines in the name of defending your country, your aim is to kill and maim and all this in the name “God and Country”, you are evil, you create evil. “Semper Fidelis”, “Unit, Corps, God, Country”, “Pro Deo Et Patria” and all that good stuff

 

My simple question is “why as civilised adults do we not use diplomacy, talk and understand each other, lay down our arms, disband all military, have peace and be friends” Violence and destruction is pathetic and in war there is no victor

 

My next post, well, who knows, I am a Bipolar

Advertisement